The past couple of days have been harder than most. All the sudden I am sleeping quite a bit more than I would normally, which given that I have pretty bad insomnia constantly, should be a welcome relief. But my Oxygen levels drop down to as low as 73% while I sleep so I feel like rat shit when I wake up. The more Im sleeping the past couple of days, the worse I am feeling when Im awake. Im finding myself really on edge and extremely irritable all the time. Im bottling it up as well as I can, I know its not their fault, though they dont help the situation with their constant BS. Its not an easy house to be in at the best of times with them as individuals and together. They are separated, different rooms, but live together and Mum is almost completely reliant on him and/or me, for some legit medical reasons and for some she cant be bothered doing it herself reasons, which drives me up the wall. I get that she has a brain injury and a heart condition but Dad has stage 4 Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma and I have my gamut of medical conditions. Ask for help where you actually need it and where you dont, get of your arse and do it yourself.
I dont know what to do my irritability and frustration, if I had the energy I think I would yell, scream and just throw shit about. But, Im too tired to do that, more so deal with the mess after.
I have been thinking about my future a fair bit lately, even more so over the past few days. Ive come to the realisation that even if I manage to retain my job (Ive been off on medical leave for over a year), I dont think a) I can do it anymore and b) I want to. The anxiety my job causes me is pretty intense, I had to work from home to cope before I left. Everything is monitored and all calls are recorded but now its causing my paranoia to feel prickly and Im not sure that I will be ok with it when/if I go back. Just the thought of going back into that environment makes me feel anxious, that doesnt take into account that I dont really think they want me back. A while ago they asked me to resign or take a career break, if I took a career break there is no certainty of a job at the end, I would lose the one I have now and have to apply for a new one but I would technically still be employed. I spoke to my union and we put a proposal to them that I would take a 3 month career break but my current job would be held for me. That was 5 or so weeks ago and still they havent replied. I have a meeting on Monday maybe if the union is able to attend with work where hopefully they will provide a response. I have no idea or understanding why they cant just reply to an email with a yes or no.
Anyhow, Ive settled that I want to study cosmetic science, that would give me the training to develop my own skin care products. Mens skin care is really lacking, especially when it comes to people with body acne, there really isnt anything out there and if there is its prohibitively expensive. Im very interested in natural ingredients and would like to develop skin care products, not just for the face but body as well, that are primarily made up of natural ingredients. As much as I want to go 100% natural, things like preservatives just arent found in nature in a way that would actually make the products safe. There is a lot of recipes online but the vast majority of them are unsafe and certainly wouldnt be wise for me to sell or use myself. There is a lot of voices out there but it would seem that only those who are putting their products through the right testing and passing use synthetic/man made preservatives. Its been a mine field to get through and a real learning curve. Ive had to stop using a recipe that I thought was safe, when I realised it wasnt and could really make me sick.
I also want to study Aromatherapy. This has a fair bit to do with the cosmetic science as I will incorporate essential oils a lot in what I make. But I would like to make my own blends, develop stuff to help people with insomnia and mental health issues. Ive done a bit of research on essential oils and there are so many and so many properties and things that they are good for.
I have also been looking at studying to become a Naturopath but it seems that there is a fair bit of hands on, like massage etc. Involved and with my back I dont think thats something I can do. So I started looking at my other thought which is Western Herbal Medicine. Only hassle there is that its part online and part in person education and the in person stuff appears that I would have to be in Melbourne or Sydney to do that. Im looking into how many weeks I would need to be in person and if I can do it in Melbourne. I have family in Melbourne so there is a chance, if they are close enough, that I could stay with them or at least they are there if I need them. It will be a big decision though, like I would have to reduce how many hours I work so I can study but Id have to also put money aside to go interstate to be in person, while potentially not getting an income during that time as well. I am a fair way away from needing to decide, I have to deal with this sleep issue first, by then hopefully Im all sorted with NDIS (Im waiting on approval but the LAC was confident Ill be approved). Im hoping that NDIS would be able to help with the learnings, they support this sort of stuff but how much and how far they will go Im not sure. I think a lot of my support, at least initially will be around making my own skin care and learning about it all. At the moment its my hobby, my limiting factor is money, I have all the time in the world and then some, Im up like 20/21 hours a day so finding things to fill that time is pretty hard. If I thought I had a chance of retaining the things I learnt, it would be an ideal time to study.
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