Well, @BlueBay, as far as I can see, this last poem has really hit the nail on the head about what is driving your crisis in this moment .... no wonder you are feeling this way about it ....
Are you sharing your poetry with your therapists and GP ? It is as if poetry accesses a different part of the brain to write, and in that moment there is perhaps more clarity about the triggers or source of the pain.
You are carrying a lot of pain from the abuse, that is obvious, and that is being recognised and treated, but you are also carrying the more recent pain of having been disregarded by your mother, and what that means about your relationship with your father ..... that is what this poem is about @BlueBay .... this particular level of hurt ....
As each level is treated, you will be able to achieve a state where you can live with it and it won't hurt so much .... it will be "do-able" or "liveable" pain, and even then that can dull down with time, and as you bring new, loving, beautiful, nurturing experiences into your life to share the space .... these things will also dilute and neutralise your pain ..... that is all part of the journey, and why it is also worthwhile continuing to feed your soul on beautiful things and nurturing experiences.
Slowly, slowly, with the help of your support team, you will work your way back down through the layers of pain, taking the time, all the talking, maybe future stays in hospital .... all the bits and pieces of life involved in your healing .... and progressively neutralise and free yourself from the pain and blockages of the past.
You can't do it all at once.
Baby steps.
Today you took a few ....
you had time with your therapist .... ✅
you had a beautiful long lunch with a special friend from the past ..... ✅
and now you have written this special poem too .... ✅
Rest yourself now for a while. You need it, and you deserve it.
Big hugs .....
❤️
