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Proof_of_Light
Contributor

Just some writing to share - BPD

I polish all the tools and skills I am armed with, to know that the feelings are only visitors. They come and go, even on days where I feel like they've made themselves at home and seem ready to move in. 'They are only here for a short stay.', I whisper into my pillow. Never have anyone tell you your feelings aren't real. They are as real as the sun rises every morning. Sometimes I am sad for no reason at all, but feeling sad doesn't mean we will never be happy. Feelings are only feelings. Allow yourself to feel them. I am at peace with this cloak I have draped over my shoulders. I do not question its existence because I could search every corner of the universe and still be no closer to finding an answer. I don't need an answer but I do need a solution. I have spent many years learning how to tame the beast inside me. Sometimes it's just the tiniest of actions or the whisper of words and all of a sudden I've grabbed onto something, a speck of dust and before I know it, I can feel it crawl beneath my skin. 

How a word is said, what words you put before or after it can make the sentence choke you or merely pass you by. We have to remind ourselves that sometimes we aren’t able to see things as they are. We can only see them as we are. My flesh is missing several layers of skin and it breaks from time to time. And the beauty is, I know that it stops. I cry a thousand tears with the pain of an army of sorrows, but the tears stop. And the beauty is, I now know that they will stop. I can't stop the pain of a thousand knives but I am wise enough to know that the stabs become pin holes and then a tingle and then they disappear. The more the tears are ignored, the longer they will stay. If you take the tears and acknowledge them, indulge them, though they appear insatiable to the human eye, they will soon find another home. 

 

 Anais Nin once wrote: 

'I despise my own hypersensitiveness, which requires so much reassurance. It is certainly abnormal to crave so much to be loved and understood.' 



I read this and I smile because it is the truth, my truth, and so many other people's truths, and all I can do is laugh because the absurdity of our states of mind suddenly come to light, and I can only love them and laugh. 

 

My feet are planted firmly on the ground but I accept the moments where I feel like the beast is breaking me, because I know it is just passing through, just saying hello. A friend I love to hate. I accept these moments because I know the beast won't break me.  

10 REPLIES 10

Re: Just some writing to share - BPD

Welcome to the Forum @Proof_of_Light 

What a wonderful first post. It certainly shines a new ray of light in the Forums. 

I'm going to tag some members who I think might appreciate it: @kristin @Crazy_Bug_Lady @hiddenite @kato @Rick @shanc @peace 

 

I'm hoping to see more of you on the forums. Smiley Happy

 

Re: Just some writing to share - BPD

@Proof_of_life

Thank you for the post and Cherrybomb for passing it on

I think I will re read it

Re: Just some writing to share - BPD

That is beautiful.
Today has been a very hard day for me, so I really needed to read something like this. It shows me that there may be a light at the end of the tunnel.
I just need to keep fighting and learn the skills and tools to arm myself for the battle.

Re: Just some writing to share - BPD

I feel that is me but my path is filled with hopelessness. I don't have the courage or strength to fight.

Re: Just some writing to share - BPD

Hi @hiddenite 

I saw your other posts. Sorry to hear that you're unwell. I gotta say, you've been a real trooper so far. You have put up a fight and have shown many people on here just how strong you are. 

Remember, if things get too overwhelming let the hospital staff know what's going on for you. 

Take care,

CherryB

Re: Just some writing to share - BPD

@Proof_of_Light

Thank you for sharing. Very reassuring words, filled with acceptance and insight.

Thanks

Re: Just some writing to share - BPD

Thank you @CherryBomb 

I have lots of writing to share. I could just never figure out the right forum to share it with. I understand the struggle and there are good days and bad, but sometimes seeing emotions put into writing can help validate us, even if it's not always a shining light.

 

I look forward to sharing words and stories and experiences with my tribe.

 

xxxx

Re: Just some writing to share - BPD

Thank you very much @Crazy_Bug_Lady

I'm sorry to hear you had a hard day. There is a light at the end of the tunnel even on days when you think it's an oncoming train! 

I'm glad you're fighting the good fight. There are so many different skills and tools embrace and you can build your armour bit by bit. Everything doesn't have to happen all at once. 'One day at a time'. I have that tatooed on my wrist as a reminder that baby steps are ok. It's ok to take it day by day, or hour by hour or minute by minute. 

Let me know if you ever need to chat xx

Re: Just some writing to share - BPD

@hiddenite  I hear you loud and clear! For me it helps to gather as much resources as I can, talk to as many people as I can and understand myself as much as I can. Some days my courage and strength disappear and I just want to hide under my blanket and disappear. But I think one think that I find helpful is telling myself that nothing is forever. The feeling you have is not forever. It is now, and it's ok to feel it. You just need to ride the wave and let yourself feel these things, because they are real.