Lived Experience Forum

[D1ng0]

Thanks again @MayaBird07. Sorry it took me a bit to reply to you. (Had to work.) Please know that I'm very grateful.

Thanks for the congratulations. It's weird, but after a good chunk of time being sober, people just... don't care. Before I admitted that I had a problem, my only exposure to sobriety was television and movies, so I thought sobriety was a big deal. I thought it meant family and friends rallying to offer support. A couple of people said nice things on my 1 year anniversary, but nobody cared by the time I hit 2 years. It's like everyone just expects me to maintain abstinence and be fine, so at least it's nobody else's problem. It's very lonely, and a lot of pressure.

So, yeah. Thank you for saying something nice about it.

Cheers for the insights from your own life. Really nice to hear that you supported your dad. I'm glad he found comfort that way. I really wish I had someone in my life who took my chronic pain that seriously. I'm glad your dad has that.

Thanks for being here for me.

I am attending an event this weekend. I'm pretty scared of how much pain it'll cause me. I know being negative is a feedback loop which pretty much guarantees worsened pain, but when I'm on my own like this, breaking that loop feels so hard. It's the catch-22 of trying to be outgoing. A lot of the time, I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. But I'm trying anyway.

I hope you have a smooth weekend.

[D1ng0]

Thanks @lavenderhaze. I would've avoided the post if it had included trigger warnings which warned me off. The discussion about death being ideal caught me completely off guard, which made it so much worse. And I had to comment several times before a proper content warning was added. It felt like nobody really cared. So that's why I'm struggling to trust this space. But like you say, I'm trying.

I do have that voice. But it's not as loud as it used to be. I've never dealt with an eating disorder, depression, anxiety, chronic pain, sobriety, and harassment all at the same time. That's why the logic in the pro-dying post fucked me up so much. I wish I'd never read it. It just keeps popping up whenever I have a pain flare or feel hopeless. I wish I could get it out of my head. Even if I can refrain from doing something drastic, these thoughts are still so distressing.

[D1ng0]

Thanks again @bliffitygibbet, it's reassuring to hear from someone who is navigating similar feelings and remains hopeful. I'm glad you're here, too.

[D1ng0]

Thanks @SmilingGecko, and I hope you're feeling better as you read this, too.

[Ainjoule]

I'm sorry @D1ng0 to hear that you feel so distressed. While I think while there should be space on the forum for threads about controversial topics, I think you are absolutely right that it should have been labelled correctly. And I can completely understand feeling personally affected by the topic, I personally feel defensive about the topic because I have put so much work into building a life worth living. And as someone who has been in a black place before I want to say to you that it can, will and does get better. Keep putting one foot in front of another and awesome job on the sobriety. 

To answer your questions: I feel like the black place I went to was my rock bottom, from there I have come to view everything better as gravy. So I now build hope around smaller things, going to coffee, getting a bit of work here and there, going to SafeHaven, gaming. I combat the thoughts in a number of small ways: have a shower, listen to music, go to SafeHaven, call a friend. Basically, I try to distract myself until the thoughts pass. 

[tyme]

Hey @D1ng0 ,

I'm hearing how tough things are for you at the moment. 

I want to acknowledge your hurt and upset after the recent post you read without trigger warnings.

Please know it was not our intention to bring any hurt. Your feelings are valid, and we want to continue to support you through this challenging time if you would like the SANE community to do so.

We can see how much effort you have put into your recovery, and that you have been sober for a while now. Well done on this achievement - we recognise it is not easy.

If there's anything you think we can do to better support you, please feel free to reach out.

You are not alone in this.

[D1ng0]

Hey @Ainjoule and @tyme, just seeing your comments now. Thanks for making me feel safe again. And thank you both for acknowledging my sobriety. It honestly means a lot that people will do that here.

Going forward, I think I'll engage less with other people's posts. That's probably the smartest approach, given how raw my emotions are. At least it's one surefire thing I can do to minimise the risk to my mental health? And it definitely shortens the list of topics my brain can fixate on.

Thank you @Ainjoule for telling me what your life experience has been. It gives me hope... and also made me wonder about what my rock bottom would be. I'm so stuck in this new struggle that I'd forgotten what my pre-transition and early-transition life was like. And it's actually pretty reassuring to think back to that miserable time? Because that was a rock bottom few years. I was treated like absolute garbage.

I truly never thought I'd have a body that I love so much, a voice I enjoy hearing, and an identity that is rock solid. I still really enjoy what I see in the mirror. But I'm so comfortable in my body that it's just become my new norm. I'd forgotten how impossible this life seemed when I was an egg. I guess that's the trap of depression? Catastrophizing what you're currently going through and forgetting what you've survived.

Anyway, I don't know if that all makes sense. Thanks for reading. I hope everyone reading this is doing alright.

Edit: It's probably obvious from the tone of this reply, but my mood has swung wildly in another direction. I managed to thread the needle today. I did a lot of exercise (by my standards) and kept the pain relatively controlled. The ups and downs are so exhausting, and I wish they were more reliable, but right now I feel good. It's mind boggling that I felt so completely hopeless yesterday. I don't know if I'll ever get used to how rapidly a mental state can change.

[tyme]

Hey @D1ng0 ,

We absolutely recognise the effort you are making in your recovery. It certainly isn't easy.

Please know that we will do everything we can to support you. We may not get it all right sometimes, but please know our intention for you to know we are here for you.

It's absolutely okay if you prefer to stay on your own threads for now. We totally support you.

We look forward to connect with you more and hope things improve for you.

[MayaBird07]

Hi @D1ng0 

Just checking in to see how you are doing?

Hope you are well. 🙂

[D1ng0]

Hey @MayaBird07, thank you for checking in on me, I really appreciate it. My mental health and emotions are still all over the place, but I am currently doing alright. Hope you're well, too.