Lived Experience Forum

[Used2Be]

I am a carer and I have my own issues. The person I care for ihas made huge strides forward in his life over the past two very difficult years. He has PTSD with depression and anxiety. My eldest daughter has anxiety, and so does my younger, but each express it in different ways. I have a chronic major depressive disorder but an high functioning 99% of the time. I have been doing well, on a new meds regime, that has seen me more emotionally stable and calm. Since I last was on here, I have been referred to a psychiatrist with whom I feel comfortable and confident. My regular psychologist is on maternity leave, so have been looking for a new one until she returns. First guy and I did not find a rapport but have had better luck with the next one. My depressive side is triggered when I feel helpless, and first shows up as anger.

This all sounds really positive, except my roller coaster took a sudden dip on Friday morning. I have no idea of the trigger, but my little warning bells started sounding (even though I always fail to notice straight away). It starts with a headache, followed by a 'death sleep' i.e. I fall on my bed and wake up hours later. In this case, about 4, and was woken up by chest pain, which of course I failed to recognise as my panic pain, because I kept saying to myself that I had had such a great few weeks, really on the right track. By Saturday I as flat and tired, by Saturday night I was picking fights with my daughter and grumbling about being taken for granted. Slept badly on Saturday night, during which I was an absolute cow to my eldest, and followed that up with a tantrum on Sunday, including my usual thing of slamming doors, crying, shouting and driving off in tears.

Of course that lef to guilt and remorse and the inability to think straight. Eventually I took my back up pill, and put myself to bed. 

I am am just so tired of this. My psych and I worked it out. I have struggled with depression in a number of forms since I wa a teen. I am now 42. I just want to be steady, stable, no more mad flings of the downward spiral, me tumbling along, out of control and off my rocker. Just when I think I have a handle on it, my caveman brain takes over, and not only do I have the fight response, the flight one too, which leaves me in this weird space of wanting to lash out and run away. Half the time, by the time I have managed to calm myself, I won't even fully remember what I did, but mostly what I said, as I am an expert in wounding with words.

I just want it to stop. I am so tired. I have enough drama to fill the story lines for Neighbors and Home and Away for many seasons. I just st want a break from being me.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Used2Be 

Thanks for sharing. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Caring for everyone around you, while trying to manage major depression yourself. You've been doing really well overall but on the weekend that big rollercoaster dip has left you feeling emotionally drained and exhausted. Totally understandable. I think whenever we have a big flood or explosion of emotions all at once, there's always a bit of a "hangover" period afterwards. It can take a while to feel 'back to normal' again. Afterall it's a lot for our mind and body to process, and it can take time. I encourage you to be gentle and patient with yourself over the next few days... Give yourself the space you need - It sounds like you've been through a lot. Focus on your own self-care, take time to do those nurturing things that leave you feeling nourished and loved. For me when I am feeling crappy, I love to eat a big bowl of pasta, and fall asleep watching a romantic comedy 😉 Weird maybe, but it works! How about you?

[Rjb]

I read your story, and immediately wanted to share it with my family who don't get it that the roll of a carer is a roller coaster ride . Interrupted with other people's spills of unknown timing and severity ; 

 I am in the dip myself  and desparately want to flee.

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Used2Be and @Rjb

I have often wanted off the rollercoaster, but recently am more committed to staying the distance, no matter what.  I might pop into my quiet cave or hang on to the hand rails screaming my head off, but something is quietly shifting inside me and has made me curious enough and fond of people enough to want to stay til the end. 

Some of us do more caring than others, but I still think we need to encourage ALL people to do a bit of caring, even if it is not their main role, due to age, or sickness or temperament.

Take care

Apple