I won't allow myself to be better

[lotus85]

What would support look like for me? Being left alone honestly. I don't want ppl to care what I'm doing. Coz if noone cares and I am left alone to do wat I feel like, then maybe I could do it. But instead I'm judged or made to feel like a disappointment. I have to explain myself and y am I considering wat I'm considering. And in that explaining and the reactions I receive... I no longer either want to do it or think it's worth it.

[Tranquil_Atoms]

Hi @lotus85, 

This cycle is something I can relate to. Just as others have mentioned starting small is vital to building healthy habits. It's great that you're trying, it shows that you are already part of the way there.

In my experience I've found changing the way we speak to ourselves can completely change the game. Those negative words we tell ourselves can have the biggest impact on our motivation.

Just remember to be kind to yourself.

[tyme]

Well said @Tranquil_Atoms . I can certainly relate!

[8ppleTree]

Hi @lotus85 ,

So something that's just for you. You get an idea and it's like a little seedling, and people walk along with their big boots and trample before it's taken root...? 

How can you grow your ideas in peace? What could that look like? Maybe journalling? Or starting something without anyone else's input? Or asking people around you to just not engage with what you're working on yet, until you feel comfortable? 

[Tranquil_Atoms]

How has your week been @lotus85? Hope you're finding your way.

[lotus85]

I'm feeling better atm, thx... I mostly come in here when im down but decided to pop in. I'm starting to frame things a bit different, and give myself time b4 getting angry at hubby's reactions to things, which I must say have improved also. I'm finding that if he reply with moping about, give it a few hrs b4 I let it get to me... usually he is over it b4 then so we have avoided a whole thing. Which is good.

[Tranquil_Atoms]

@lotus85

This is great to hear!

It sounds like you are really gaining some awareness and progressing through this together.

Take care. 😀

[Tranquil_Atoms]

How are things going? @lotus85 

Here if you need to talk. 🙂

[lotus85]

Hey Tranquil_Atoms,

I'm ok, but not great. thanks for asking. Hubby has been having issues at work and he is understandably anxious and a little depressed. He refuses meds, but has started seeing a physchologist which is great. except he came home from his first session and had apparently been told that he should take 2 yrs off work because he can't expect to heal in the environment that causes him harm.

Now I was not thrilled that he came home saying this when he has taken no steps to try and deal with his anxiety and stuff. he was to jump from zero to 100 without stopping anywhere in between. when i said it was insanity and this women is batshit crazy if thats her solution, he didnt like that. i wasnt being supportive, i dont care about his mental health... r u f'n kidding me. he spent the last yr or so during my mental breakdown telling me that i am a copout. pot calling the kettle black much. i cant leave my situation that causes my pain. i have to push on, find ways to manage and live with it. but when i suggest he find ways to manage it i'm just selfish and making it all about me. i simply tried to express that i understand how he feels (i also had a similar issue at my old job as well) but leaving work and making us all homeless is not gunna help anyone. now we are off side and i am back to feeling shit about our relationshi[ again. the meds i'm on are great, a lot better than previous ones. but they can only do so much. so i feel like an arse, i feel like i dont belong anywhere and i feel like i'm a selfish horrible person, but at the same time i feel like he is trying to steal my 'crazy status'. if that even makes sense. and that thought in itself seems insane. 

he has always been the villian in my story and now he is someone elses victim and i am supposed to feel sorry for that. how am i spose to feel sorry for someone who has shat on my journey so much. We are 'partners' but not really. i should feel for him, i should care more. i mean i do care, i feel empathy for him... but i can't have sympathy for him. does that make sense? and i feel shit for feeling this. how do we have a relationship when we are so against each other. we cant afford not to stay together.. i want it to work, and be good and be better. we were ok for a cpl months but as soon as anything gets real we got back to being who we really are.

[lavenderhaze]

Hi @lotus85,

I hope you don't mind me butting in here, but I couldn't help but feel compelled to reach out after reading your post. I'm a new peer worker on these forums. I've struggled with depression and anxiety myself, so I understand, to some extent, what you might be going through.

It sounds like you're carrying a heavy emotional load right now, trying to support your husband while also grappling with your own feelings and experiences. I want you to know it's okay to feel like you do. Your emotions are valid, and you're not a selfish or horrible person for having them.

It's incredibly tough when your partner is struggling, especially when it feels like their struggles are directly impacting your well-being. The dynamic you described, where you feel like you're on opposite sides despite being partners, is something many people can relate to. It's a complex situation, and there are no easy answers.

Your feelings of empathy without sympathy make perfect sense. You can understand and acknowledge your husband's pain without excusing any hurtful behavior towards you. 

Relationships definitely take work; ongoing effort and communication are needed from both sides. I can imagine that this becomes even more challenging when both people are struggling. 

Are you connected with any professional support at the moment?