Lived Experience Forum

[FairyFox]

Hi everyone,

This is a first for me & to be trithful I have no idea where to start. What I do know is that I've hidden away from the world so much that I've come to realise I don't have any friends anymore. It's a situation of "the more I hide the worse I get and the worse I get the more I hide". I think there are many reasons for me becoming 'agrophobic', some of which are ten years of DV, conned that I lost everything & topped it all off with breast cancer. You will notice I didn't mention depression...well that's because I've lived with it for over 30 years & it's just become part of my everyday life I suppose. Don't get me wrong, I'm not flippant about it (well I wouldn't be on here if I was) & it is very real. In fact I had it fairly well under control until the begining of that 10 year period at the start of 2000's. I had a back injury at work & that's when my life started to go downhill. I'm not saying that's what caused it as there were a few reasons around that time (the start of the dv relationship, excessive drinking, etc & all while working full time). I've become an expert at the cover up over the years. In fact at one point I had my photo in the local paper for being voted the happiest customer service person for that month. I've always remembered that with irony, if only they'd known what my life was really like. There was a fair bit more to come, (in fact a lot more) & am willing to share if the discussion leads to that & I feel comfortable enough.

Anyway that's enough of the background for now, just thought I'd start this discussion with some idea of who I am. The strange part is I now have good reason to be happy...first thing that came to mind then was "what a joke that is'. My depression is at it's worst & I just can't seem to get back on top, even as a breast cancer survivor. I try to remind myself of the positives in my life now & none of it helps. I have in this state mostly for about 18mths now. Had meds change, now told it's as good as they've got etc etc.

I hope some of you will join in this discussion so we might be able to help each other along the way.

[NikNik]

Hi FairyFox,

Welcome to the forums. Thanks for sharing your experiences - it's a big step and takes courage.

You have overcome a lot it seems! Breast cancer is a terrible challenge to come up against, and to have the strength to get through that, is inspiring.

You mentioned you've experienced domestic violence. Have you been able to seek help for this? Even if you have, I would imagine this has a significant impact on you. It seems like you're linked in to health care professionals, however, have you tried a counsellor/psychologist who specialises in domestic violence? If this is something that interests you, you could try;

Relationships Australia: they provide counselling for abused partners. 1300-364-277  

National Sexual Assault, Family & Domestic Violence Counselling Line: 1800 737 732

I'm sorry to hear you have been in this state for such a period of time. I don't think you should give up on the idea of getting better though. Hopefully this forum will help you, even if it's just being around like-minded people.

I'm curious to know what the reason for you to be happy is. It sounds like your self talk jumped in before you could share it with us.

Again, welcome to the forums. Have a look around the place & feel free to contirbute to other discussions also.

🙂

NikNik

[FairyFox]

Hi NikNik,

Thanks for replying to my post. I'm not surprised others haven't as nothing changes. I thought instead of pretending everythings alright I'd be open on here & see where it goes. I know it sounds "woe is me" & probably is it's just that it seems even when I do poke my head out nobody seems interested, or care. I would just like to be able to talk openly with others who might have an understanding.

In answer to your question on counselling, relationship or otherwiswe, I've had the lot & am still seeing my psychiatrist each fortnight. In all honesty I think I'm about as bad as I've ever been, nothing seems to be helping. I've told her how I feel & am told that the meds are as good as it gets (well hell if that's the case what hope is there).

I've come to realise over the last few years that I've even lost any social skills I mmight have had. Anyways, I'll leave it there today & see what happens.

Thanks for listening again 🙂

[ivana]

Honestly,just because a doctor says “its as good as they've got“ doesn't mean you should believe him/her.There are many “useless“ doctors out there,to be honest.
They are often disinterested in,or not trained well enough,regarding the “hard cases“.
There are many depression treatments available and not just the commonly prescribed SSRI's and SNRI's.
There are also NDRI's,MAOI'S,
and some people benefit from taking 5htp.
Most of these need close “supervision“(working with) a good doctor as you cant eat certain foods or they are incompatible with other medications.

In addition,some people experience that their depression goes away when they start an aerobic exercise workout.
To some people exercice might feel like the last thing they want to do,but do it anyway.
It can help ease depression by lifting BDNF levels and releasing feel good chemicals.
Getting an exercise bike is a good place to start.
Or if your feeling capable,join a gym and do some classes.
Its social but not too “in your face“
Theres different kinds of gyms,some intimidating and some VERY supportive.

Keep eating good nutrition like Salmon,bananas etc and just take things one day at a time:)

[NikNik]

Hi FairyFox,

I think it's great that you've come in here and been open. Sometimes in these forums there are so many new topics that some can get missed. I don't think anyone is deliberately not responding.
If you're interested in getting more interaction, I strongly suggest you also post in some other threads too.
If you do a search for "Depression" there are a fair few different discussion that talk about depression.
Perhaps some of those discussion have interesting content for you - and you can engage with the people in that discussion.

Just a suggestion. I want to ensure you get what you're looking for from this forum 🙂

[chemonro]

Hi and welcome!

Depression is a terrible illness and of course it's "invisible."  That makes it difficult for other people to realize how much we're going through. I hope having this place to share helps, fairyfox. 

[Maude]

Hello FairyFox

I'm new here too and also find very few replies but that just might be because there is no answer to my question which is even more depressing.

There are two aspects of your post that really hit home with me these were your quote, “It's a situation of "the more I hide the worse I get and the worse I get the more I hide".

And, your discussion  about becoming an expert at “the cover up” over the years to the point where you had your photo in the local paper for being voted the happiest customer service person for that month when inside you were suffering so deeply.

I too have not been able to find help and have had friends drop off. I also feel as though I have been an actor most of my life.

You have been soo strong to get through all that you have. When you say that the strange part is that you now have good reason to be happy. What is happening for you right now?

[CherryBomb]

Welcome to forums, Maude. 

Your post is so insightful, and perceptive. Looking forward to seeing more of you on here. 

[FairyFox]

Hi Maude
I just read this post for the first time. Thank you sooo much for taking the time to put some words together. This is in a quick reply as I don't have the time to spend in response properly. I didn't want you to think I wasn't replying to you. That would be ironic. Will spend some time on here shortly. Thanks again.

[Alessandra1992]

The hiding comment really stood out to me..as how can we get help if we don't ask for it?
If we aren't able to be honest with other people,then there's a risk that we are not being honest with ourselves and no one can recover if we don't acknowledge that we have a problem to begin with.
I was wondering if it is stigma that that prevents people for asking for help, our own self stigma that I shouldn't need help, or other people are far worse off than me,so,I have no right to get help...

I hope more people become less afraid to seek help, there is no shame in being overwhelmed by our mental health.

Hell I have met so many people who honestly think they're normal..if that's normal I don't want it! I aim for ordinariness, to do what good ordinary people do and avoid what good ordinary people avoid. My special abilities will only develop if my foremost aim is to be a good ordinary person..

I am referring to those stressed out folk who constantly chase their own tails in search of elusive perfection in their careers, relationships or objects...all about looking or feeling good, when life is about being good. 😄