Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Yeah, i usually do my own, but have a rental inspection coming up so got someone in to mow and do the edges and what not, i was surprised it didnt cost too much... - but i like mowing because it always looks so neat afterwards.. But i can get how we each have our own associations to things for sure!

[Former-Member]

Hi @PeppiPatty

I'm not sure what post you were talking about...

but my situation at the moment.. I'm struggling but trying to kind of hide it to some extent... i'm going to call it 'faking it till i make it' though. I have a family assessment coming up and so i feel like i have to be perfect for that because my ex is seeking full custody of the children (despite being found guilty) on the basis of my mental health and that he is appealing the verdict through the supreme court or appeals. I went and saw a social worker who specialises in helping assault vicitims (and she's free) and she told me about a young mum that she's helping at the moment who was assaulted and had a baby from the assault, the man was found guilty and spent a year in jail, has now gotten out and sought shared parenting of baby who's almost two and been given every second weekend by the same judge that is ruling over my case. He's very father rights oriented. I'm feeling sick. Like everything is stacked against me because my childhood was very ... dysfuncitonal... i have no family.. where he does have family and had an idyllic up bringing (on the surface anyway... I think his parents are weird). He's also got the status of his job, is getting his job back etc. Where i'm still not working and havent got clearance to go back to full time work (i'm going to go back to work full time next year anyway though!). I'm terrified. And the fact that the judge lauged at the last hearing and said that he was found not guilty of more charges than he was found guilty of makes me feel like he's already decided. Next hearing is end of September. And i'm on edge waiting for his 'brief of evidence' as to why the children should live with him. Which i'll then have a few weeks to respond to with my own evidence, for which i have very little because the police wont let me have any access to their statements or reports. I have to ask the witnesses in my case for their statemtns to use which they then have to swear to in the family court and I dont have much money for the whole process where as he is still being paid (even though he hasnt been allowed on a school site for the alst two years!) and can afford a barrister still. 

I just feel like I'm filled with dread, every time the phone rings or i go to the post office for mail i feel so sick that its going to be bad news or more information that doesnt help. 

So mostly just scared...

sorry for the rant!

LJ

[PeppiPatty]

hi @lisajane,

Apologies, i didnt see this dillema....oh, good....isn't @Appleblossom both a bit stepping out of the box (cool ! ) and helpful....

So, do you have like..... a council chambers for your suburb? Please make a couple of phone calls to get advise  on court/family advice. Like a Soccial worker/ financial advisor. I know sounds weird but I've had bills paid, seen mental health advisors, etc.  But, what you could really really benifit from is a Mental Health Advocate. I remember you can enquire at Arafmi.  Is this right, @NikNik ? 

Let me just read some things and Ille get back to you tonight. 

The most important thing in the whole wide world...is your wellbeing. 

 would you be comfortable in going to those wonderful group meetings during the week at Arafmi? Are they there still? 

Your mental ill health problems seem to be very very similar to mine. I fell ill even thinking of your ex. 

[PeppiPatty]

dear @Former-Member,

How are you? I've been making dinner, washing dishes, hanging clothes on the line, my ex husband is here. I say, hey, look how hard working I am ? You better remember this when I'm at your place, next time. And he says, I'll be  making you fish fingers and boiled eggs. 

but I've been thinking about what to do in your situation. So, can you bear spending your time writing a paper when and if you are alone during the day?

I'm only thinking this because when it got really really hard with my ex husband, I wrote a  paper on caring for people who suffer times of mental ill health For carers. It was great for me to focus on something, something that I'm passionate about but it was getting intolerable to be at home with him. When I get my computer on Thursday, ille write up the main things I focused on. It was about staying very positive. I was wondering if you could spend a couple of weeks writing up something for other people going through what your going through.

at the time, I was doing  volunteer work, I was sitting with a group of people who either had lived experience or they were caring for a child/ married to someone who suffered times of mental ill health. I met someone who's son was not getting good enough support and was withdrawing into his bedroom. I felt really annoyed and so, because my situation was so difficult, I wrote a paper. I remember, I researched many places and hospitals, council places (like going on   easy paced walks and guided tours around the city....looking on Perth Council website.) 

This may help you. People may give you suggestions and it may help your plight. I was thinking that your ex husband is taking advantage of your kind nature.

You can stand up tall. .........you can walk proudly into that courtroom, nice clothes, good posture, posture your heart fo good things. Hold your head up high. 

A small hiccup in your wellbeing can be spoken about as just that. You have a LOt more maturity than I did when I went through my first divorce. 

[Former-Member]

Hi @PeppiPatty Anne,

You have been very busy and productive tonight!! hmm fish fingers and boiled eggs... I reckon he can do better hehe! up grade to salmon and green salad lol 😄

Thank you, i'm sorry that you had an ex like mine and that its hard to think of him. There arent any groups down here, bit too country I guess even though its a regional centre. I'm not sure I could write a paper, I would struggle to have the confidence to do something like that, I also have to be extremely careful of anything that I say or do publicly because my ex is looking for any excuse to sue me for defamation and slander. I've thought about doing some volunteer work, i do go and help in my daughters school doing some spelling wiht kids who are a bit behind. And i wanted to get into doing some English teaching wiht new arrival adults, but the times they want people are after hours, and of course I have the children. But i should find something else. I am really hoping to go back to work next year, i think I am better off at work and having things that have to be done and a daily routine to stick to.

I'm working on the standing tall part, but the things they're saying, have said, make me feel like im a young girl and powerless again, the most insignificant person in the world. And worse because some of the things they are saying have a factual basis of stupid things that i did in the past and play on the things that i feel guilty about now (ie my mental health possibly affectin the children too...! But im not that person now... and i've been working so hard on being better and feeling better... but he's not safe to be with the children, im terrified of what the courts going to do and i feel like the court battles I've already faced have shown that he has the power. 

Sigh!

LJ

[Appleblossom]

Thinking of you lj  It really does not sound fair, that judges decide ahead of time ...

Is there a Council for Single Mothers and their Children in SA, we have one in Vic that can be helpful .. csmc .. but they used to have hints on going through a divorce etc.

My experience is out of date. Not sure I can be much help. Share what goes on for you if you get time.

[PeppiPatty]

@Former-Member, can you just imagine standing tall, precious lady ? That might be all you need to do 

@Appleblossom....Very happy thinking  of your suggestion to @Former-Member.... 

[Former-Member]

Hi @Appleblossom and @PeppiPatty 

Thank you both for your support. I just need to keep breathing and try not to give in to the panic. I know that my GP, psychiatrist and psychologist are all ready to go in to bat for me and the home mental health support lady who visits is happy to say that she has seen me with my children quite a few times this year and that they are happy and well looked after etc. So those are good things that are in my favour... 

And I need to try and focus on hving some positive energy, because i think when you are more positive you get more positive stuff back from the world... maybe... karmic energies or something! 😄

Things just seem overwhelmingly huge at times... and never ending...

So I'm going to practice my breathing today, notice the blue sky and the things that I can control today!

hugs to you both, (you're both kind of like my forum mama's by the way lol)

LJ

[Appleblossom]

You have helped me lj so I think the same about you. Maybe there is something good about three-way women friendships after all.

 .. but thankful for the rain... and thankful for awareness of breath.

[PeppiPatty]

Dear @Appleblossom and @Former-Member.

Firstly, I do want to thank @Former-Member and @Jacques because its true.....when their age, I couldn't do.....my life's focus was on my two sons.......actually it took me about 3 years to realise that the Paychotherapist that I was seeing was no good. That's a different story for another day. But your in your I'm your 20s and 30s and I forget where your focus is......
Now those two ..... Well.... When your reading although new strengths come from that , that looking at actions and eye contact is'nt. So when Lj wrote me and @Appleblossom are like her forum Mums, I felt so grateful.

So Lj , can I just now say ,,,,,,, think of your posture. Aim your heart toward what you know is good.

My complete pride is that I brought up my sons good enough. Now I'm like @Appleblossom and we are in a new phase which is pleasing. I am also very mindful that @hiddenite commented on me when I was writing to @Jacques which very grateful for.