Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

I Have an appointment with my psychiatrist by telemed today. I'm feeling sick about it because i stopped taking one of my medications after court because of how they used it against me to make me sound like a deranged psychopathic liar. I take it to help me sleep but they kept repeating what the use of the tablet is usually prescribed for and now they're saying that if i'm taking that type of medication i can't be stable enough to be a parent. They also kept reading out the psychiatrists report from when i was first in hospital in January and making me say that i was severely mentally ill back then, and perhaps i could be now and either i was lying when i said i wasnt or i wasnt in a fit state to know if i was or not. I'm scared to say anything to the psychiatrist because anything he says or writes will be flipped and skewed by the lawyers for my ex in famlly court. Even if he writes i'm recovering well they'll just say that proves i was 'faking' it in january to put off court. It feels like no matter what i do say its going to be used against me and i just want it all to go away! I'm not doing so well, i know i'm not. But im so scared of telling anyone. our next court hearing is in a weeks time. I thought that a lot of this stuff, these games and stuff would be easier if i got a 'win' in court but its made no difference whatsoever because the 'best' thing for the children is seen as having their 'father' in their lives - until he hurts them. The police and psychologists have all said he will eventually but it doesnt matter to the courts. 

Sorry, rant over, has anyone felt like they coudnt talk honestly with their mental health team/person/people?

LJ

[Mazarita]

Hi @Former-Member,

That's a difficult conundrum. I'll admit I don't tell my psychiatrist everything and wish I felt able to do otherwise. It makes it harder to treat your issues when there are gaps in the information they are receiving. Anyway, I'm guessing that by now the appointment is over and hope it went okay. Mainly, I just want to say I'm hearing you and hoping the best for you. Let us know how you went.

[Appleblossom]

Unfortunately I felt that I had no right to any privacy in my relations with MH professionals.  The situation was always involving others younger than me, from siblings to children, and I did put their interests before mine.

I have felt them to be inadequate to the task but better than nobody. Not sure whether they really earned the huge amount I have parted with, financially. Which is why I am getting stingy in that department.

@Former-Member The 'expert' and the 'professional' have a great deal of sway into today's world.  Both you and I are professionals too.  We know we are only human. I say these issues are the reason why God was invented. Problem with courts is that there is a machine involving huge sums of money. I did not have good legal experience .. the volunteer women who walked with me at the Magistrates once were the best and they didnt get paid a cent.

Not sure if you have a diagnosis beyond anxiety.  Not sure if it matters or is right to pressure women with heavy child rearing pressures to the point that they would gladly take on a label or a pill ..I would have loved to reduce the pain but I chose to breast feed so couldnt take much. I dont regret that choice.

Last week my son went mad at me about the licence  .. sometimes I am very capable and other times I break down .. then you dont things can get worse and the car broke down on Monday night and I had to get it towed .. "poo" keeps happening .. it is maddening for me too ..

At the moment I am researching BPD for myself .. but even if it gets confirmed I know it will be a shift in the spectrum from more Cluster A personality disorders because I have worked at things, methodically, all my life .. just a few thoughts not sentimental .. but hard won type of thoughts.

Sorry its tough at the moment lj.

[Former-Member]

Thank you @Mazarita, your support is appreciated. 

My psychiatrist was ok yesterday, I told him some things that I needed to, and he offered to ring my family court lawyer to ensure that she was up to date on the uses of medications to ensure she can say the right things in family court on Monday. but i probably held back a bit on just how bad i'm feeling.

Thank you @Appleblossom for sharing those experiences. Yes i've always (up until this year) been extremely capable (though i did start taking anti depressants after i stopped breast feeding my first child because things were hard) but the load got to great and i was forever putting everything else before myself. And i fell into a pit. I formally have depression and PTSD. and I do take my medication because it helps. If i didnt have so much stress with this court stuff i think i would actually be doing really well.

 Yes it is very difficult to navigate the court systmes and they are so incredibly weighted at protecting only the guilty party. For instance, the prosecution team (victim's team) have to pass over to the accused any and all information relating to the victim of the crime (including any knowledge of past history or any sort), all medical records obtained for evidence, the statements of all witnesses, BUT they do not have to give anything back at all, they dont have to tell the prosecution team who they are calling as witnesses, the prosecution can't get medical information on the accused, or their past history, can't investigate anything that could show a pattern of behaviour etc. He is now using everything that he has on me (including my difficult childhood and history of abuse/ mental health) to seek full custody of the children as of yesterday... and I have virutally NOTHING to use against him. If his appeal goes through (which the prosecutor and family court lawyer have told me it is likely because more than 50% are successful and more so with his level of barristers etc. (money rules the world)) then I will not even be allowed to say that he assaulted me, And if i do, it iwll be just laughed off because he has been aquitted, although the family court judge may allow me to speak on it if i can show some proof of things etc but that can be risky because if the judge thinks that my evidence is lacking it may go worse against me and such and such and such, i'm over listenign to lawyers!

I am gutted, frustrated, fuirious, devastated and so scared for my kids. 

LJ

[Appleblossom]

I did not realise how stacked the courts are.  I came from a background which did not have lawyers accountants etc, and was wary and in awe of the loegal system, but my ex and his family were right into those things and played that game.  Now I am less naive .. I have heard too many legal eagles boast about disgraceful "wins" .. yet I also know a couple of good ones.

Yes money does seem to win .. up to a point .. but its not everything and its important to remember that, when feeling down

I will be rethinking my attitude to school principals more after "meeting" you and hearing your challenges.

Do all the breathing and venting you need ..

I was told that the courts would be weighing against women to stop the flow of child support .. my ex used my biological daughter against me expressly for the purpose of limiting it and said he would quite clearly. 

Cant do more than share and send regards ..

It is pretty rare that women lose custody these days .. dont worry too much about a few indiscretions .. the legal adversarial set up is no good for child rearing .. they are just trying to scare you .. the adversarial system just polarises and increases conflict ..it may be hard to recognise it atm but kids do need to know their fathers .. and they carve out their unique relationship .. it will also help you get back yourself and your life .. to let them be with him for a bit ..  when he calms down from the separation a bit maybe he will behave better ..  and your worst fears will not come to pass

I think it takes courage to initiate action against abuse by those in power .. so see it through .. we are with you.

[Appleblossom]

Hi lj

How is court going? RUok?

[Former-Member]

I had family court yesterday,

It was not so great, he's applying for full custody of the children now (or 100% parental responsibility as its now called...) and asked that overnight stays start in order for the ability to transitionthe children into his care can be better assessed fairly or something like that. The judge ordered that there be a seperate hearing to make a judgement on how/if that should happen in late sept. The judge did not even address anything that was written in my affadavit at all, including that the children may notbe safe. In the mean time he's ordered a independent lawyer for the children which is a good thing i think and a family assessment (i think its good but im not looking forward to being interviewd and being 'investigated' again 😞 ) My lawyer asked for my ex to not be allowed to call me a liar any more (which he does everytime he writes something to the court)..and the judge just laughed. and said that as he's been found innocent of more charges than he was found guilty for, what does she (my lawyer) want him to do? He can say what he likes. He said parenting orders should aim for 50/50 care and work back from there. I just dont know whats going to happen. But i know that he will not cope with the kids and something wil happen. The numbr of times i had tostep in and always had to move the kids away from him if he was getting stressed. This stuff is so draining, i didnt sleep at all last night. exhausted. The judge did warn my ex that the burdon of proof is much less than in district court and he would hear evidence of my allegations again in his court. But im terrified of having to go through all of that again. but just have to wait and see what happens.

How are you going @Appleblossom?

[Appleblossom]

It would have been an awful day. He might get some new woman to do his dirty work. The judge sounds bigoted .. 

Maybe start at 80/20, your way. 50/50 splits happens very often these days but you sound like a decent caring mum and have still enough awareness of other people's needs, like me, to be able to give helpful posts, when going through hard stuff.

The assessments may be more fair than you fear.  They will take into account your good relationships with boys.  Hope your lawyer is good for you.

Try not to panic too much, he might be a better father overall than husband, unfortunately .. which is why I ask the questions about what are we doing to motherhood.  Once there was an ethic of caring for women and children.  Is that a loss due to feminism... due to too much watching of "battle of the sexes" I thought it was supposed to be about love.

Whatever happens .. keep taking the next step and breathing and finding time to laugh and enjoy your children.  Good luck .. I will be hoping for you.

[Former-Member]

Thank you @Appleblossom, for your calm and rational responses, they keep me grounded 🙂 Its so difficult sometimes to keep perspective on things that are very close to you and in some ways that why I like the forums in that it reminds me that 1. other people are going through 'stuff' and 2. that if i can be rational and coherent when thinking through supporting/ supportive advice and being helpful for other people... that same ability is somewhere in me that I can apply it to myself as well... maybe LOL

Hope your day has been ok!

LJ

[Appleblossom]

I am ok, thanks for asking. My carers Vic lady called today and made appointment to meet.

My neck came out about a few weeks ago and is still very delicate. Not all necks are the same. I am not into cut grass.. no fond associations just buggered my back ... cos I did 98% of the lawn mowing in 16 yr marriage. I planned new garden to be grass free. Sounds like you may have help though??