Lived Experience Forum

[DamselD]

Hi All....l am damselD and l feel like l am stuck on this wheel of self sabotage! I grew up in a volitile household and my coping mechanism was to fawn.  The need to please others has been woven into my fabric of being and hence have no idea how to deal with emotions of my own and bury them way way down inside and [turn to unhelpful coping - edited by moderator]! I know l am in a cycle of unhealthy behaviour but dont know how to move forward so l decided to join this forum where l can meet with others that share same lived experiences and hope that l can learn to love myself and not be in a constant state of stress!

[tyme]

Hey @DamselD ,

Thank you for sharing. It's certainly so important to know how to care for yourself.

I can certainly relate to what you are saying. I grew up with a family were not never emotionally available and hence I never learnt to handle my emotions. I ended up being diagnosed with PTSD, and Borderline Personality Disorder.

I found myself also self-sabotaging, engaging in highly risky behaviour and I was emotionally 'everywhere'. Emotionally, I was so hypersensitive that I became triggered by the smallest things and then turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms.

For me, it took long term psycho therapy to change these thinking/behaviour patterns. It was also a lot of hard work in practicing doing things I wouldn't naturally do. e.g. due to my upbringing, I developed a lot of avoidant behaviour. Therapy was able acknowledging the unpleasantness and then moving towards the fear thing as opposed to avoiding it. Self-talk played a huge part in being able to do this as well we the support from an experienced clinician.

I'm not sure if I'm on the right track... 

If not, feel free to clarify.

Please know that change IS possible 🙂

[DamselD]

• Thanks so much for your insight @tyme l have never realised just how much trauma l have as l have suppressed it! But now it is definitely affecting me and l have been more concerned about others and whats going on around me instead of finding a way to focus on me as it feels uncomfortable! I am happy to hear that there is hope to recovery and healing!

[tyme]

Hey @DamselD ,

One of the biggest things as part of my recovery was sitting with the unpleasantness. It's not about pretending it's not there, but to acknowledge that the pain is there and then to wait through it.

I gained a lot of insight into my avoidance and emotional suppression through Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. My emotional dysregulation was affecting a lot of my close relationships so that I'd feel such guilt after upsetting or hurting someone, and then i'd turn the punishment inward to myself. 

None of these were safe or helpful coping mechanisms.

The great thing about you is that you can see what you want to work on and how it is affecting your life. 

Reframing is another concept that I practiced a lot. You can have a look here The Art of Reframing - Back by popular demand! 

I'm more than happy to chat if you have any questions about anything...or even if you need to just let off some steam or gain a different perspective 🙂

[tyme]

How are you travelling today @DamselD ?

Hope you are okay.

[Asgard]

Hi @DamselD 

Reading your words certainly rang true for me as sometimes I am my own worst enemy.  I would get invited to events, would agree to go and then for some unknown reason my mind would then invent excuses not to go.  Have used many of the suggestions that @tyme has indicated and am happy to say that they do work, but you have to keep working on yourself, there is no magic wand.  Take care 🙂

[Asgard]

Hi @DamselD 

Just thought I'd check in and see how you were doing, hope this finds you well. 

Asgard