Lived Experience Forum

[RM-73]

My father passed away in mid October and we had the funeral in early November.  My Mother is still alive (83) . My relationship with Dad had improved significantly over the past 25 years or so, it was pretty rocky when I was small right through to my early twenties. I feel empty, and I know he is gone, but I cant cry for some reason. I think I have cried a handful of times , but not for some weeks. I see my mother she is very depressed (married for 57 years) and my sister constantly tells me she (my sister)  is crying more and more. I feel as though she is expecting me to say yes, me too.  I'm not sure about my other sister we hardly every talk.

There is a hole I can't fill, but I can't cry and not sure what to do.  Is this normal?  Am I just cold? I'm the only one working and having a family of my own at the moment too. My eldest sister (who tells me she is crying) was made redundant 5 years ago and moved back into my parents house. She is still there now and primarily looks after Mum. My other sister quit her job  and is studying  full time .

My eldest sister tells me I have to make more of an effort to take Mum out, but its hard. My wife has to look after her parents who are invalids.  We don't really go out much other than Sunday, when we often used to meet Mum and Dad for coffee in the afternoon. With pressures from work, pressures from my wife having to look after her parents,  and now my mother feeling lost- I'm not sure what to do. Its ok for my sister to say you have to take mum out, but she was sponging off them for 5 years and I think now feels trapped as she hasn't really ever got on with Mum, but can't just walk out since Dad died.

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @RM-73,

Welcome to the Forums. My name is FloatingFeather and I am one of the peer support workers at SANE. We have a lot of supportive member with a wide variety of lived experience. If you do want to directly chat (respond to a comment) with someone on the Forums use the @ symbol and then start typing their name directly after it. A dropdown box should appear, and you then select their name. This ensures that they are notified of any posts you mention them in.

I am sorry to read about your father's passing - my sincere condolences to you and your family. I know how you feel because my dad passed away the year before (he was 80). 

I can only go off my lived experience but I do feel a sense of there being a hole that I can't seem to fill too.

I struggle with the world normal around topics such as grief. There is no right or wrong around grieving - some people cry, some people become withdrawn, some people get angry, some people appear too detach etc. We all cope differently and I don't think if my sibling cried more than me about our dad's passing (for example) that means that they loved our dad anymore or less than I did. It's just how we cope with grief, and we all do it differently.

I also think (as you have discussed) you and your siblings are in different places in your lives. It sounds like you already have a lot of your plate and a lot of things going on. It's probably harder for you to take your mum out when you have other people in your life that need you too. If you do have too much on your plate at the moment to take your mum out perhaps you could give her a call to check in with her sometimes? As much as I feel for my mum (she's 81) and I know she loves visits from me but like you I am spread pretty thin so I do ring her once a week and we have a good long chat. I think it helps her feel cared for and gives her someone to chat with as she is a little lonely.

Take care of yourself, and keep posting. That's what we are here for.

FloatingFeather

[Appleblossom]

@RM-73 

I guess there is no one way to grieve. What you feel is what you feel, and it will probably change a little over time.  Crying is only one way to express it, not the only way.

Supporting both sides of a family; your mother or in laws is always a balancing act.  Do what you can but you getting stressed and stretched too far will not help anyone.

Including a link to a site for further info, for you, your sister or your mother .... 

https://www.grief.org.au// 

[TuxedoCat]

hi @RM-73, condolences for the death of your father. I imagine the death of a parent is always difficult in it's own way. 

It seems like everyone is responding to your fathers death in their own way, but yours I looking a bit difference. It's understandable that that might be a bit confusing. I don't think it means that you're cold ❤️ 

For me, while I haven't had someone (really) close to me pass, there have been a few times in my life where I haven't responded to a situation like others. For me, it's made me feel a bit strange and sometimes I think others get a bit uncomfortable. In some ways, not meeting others expectations created a whole extra layer to my grief. Not sure if it's similar for you?

But we all respond to events like this in our own way. Your emotions are yours to feel and express how you feel. 

And after a loss like this, it's common for families to take a little while to settle into new routines. I wonder what it would look like to talk about this together and express your own needs and boundaries? Especially given that it sounds like you have a lot on your own plate too

What do you think?

[Neek1977]

@RM-73 

Hi, 

It sounds like you emotionally detached from your family years ago when you were younger.

You mentioned you weren't close with your father when young and that may have paved the way for your detachment from the rest of your family later on.

Your inability to cry over his death is completely normal, and all it says to me is that you weren't lovingly close to him, not enough to break down and cry over him any how.

It sounds to me like you prefer to keep your distance from the rest of them now, just as you did before your father died. Obviously something happened when you were younger that separated you emotionally from the rest of your family and you have remained that way ever since.

Your reaction ( or lack thereof) towards your father passing away is completely normal for the situation, and I'm sure you have your reasons for not wanting to spend more time with your mother now, perhaps she has also played a part in isolating you from the family years ago...I can also see that the guilt trip your sister is now trying to land you with is only going to make matters worse...I can tell you already feel resentful towards her for trying to push you into something you're not ready for.

All I can say is, continue living your life as you were before the death of your father...just like your family will continue to do...let sleeping dogs lie and I'm sure your mother knows deep down why you're separate from her and your siblings and has probably accepted life for what it is.

Forget your sisters guilt trip...just move on, as usual and I'm sure you won't think about the fact that you can't cry atm...either you will never cry over him, or one day you will...either way, it is only relevant to you...but still, its not an important factor in your life.

Good luck 🙂

[Jasper_123]

Hey @RM-73 I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your father - sometimes these complicated relationships make complicated grieving. 

I think in our society that crying is seen as the only way to grieve but that isn't the case. You will find a way to grieve your father and you will find a way to remember him and what's important is that it feels authentic to you! 

Is there a way for you to incorporate your mum more into your life? Do you even want that?