I can’t cope

[Captain24]

The sun is always good. @rav3n. It helps lift me. 

Ive had a pretty rough day. Been triggered left, right and centre. 

Just needing to chat and distract until I go to bed. 

[rav3n]

sorry to hear its been a rough day for you @Captain24, are there any activities or grounding tools that help calm your mind? 

if at any time that you feel overwhelmed, please reach out to:

Lifeline 13 11 14 https://www.lifeline.org.au/ 
Lifeline Text Support 0477 131 114 https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-text/ 
Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 
https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/ 
If feeling unsafe, please contact 000

[Captain24]

I’ve just been on a chat to the butterfly foundation @rav3n. I admitted to them everything I’ve been doing. It’s the first time I’ve even admitted it to myself. Talking to them was to deter me.

I was also honest about my SI after my day today too. 

[rav3n]

Good on you for opening up to them @Captain24 takes a lot of strength to do that 💗

Are you feeling better after that chat with them?

[Captain24]

I feel shame @rav3n. I feel disgust. I don’t feel the need to be alive. But I have recognised how big of a problem I have. I don’t know how to work on fixing it. 

Im scared to tell anyone else. I’m scared about going to hospital next week. I’m anxious about it in general. But I look a lot different than I did 6 months ago. I’m hoping I can tell my pdoc what’s going on. 

[rav3n]

@Captain24 those are some heavy feelings, I'm so sorry you feel this way. Recognising/understand the problem is the first step to solving it, I know it might feel like a lot right now - but we can break it into small parts and take it step by step. Healing takes time and patience, and I'm here for you each step of the way 💗

That's ok that you look different in 6 months, it might feel a bit scary now but it's the pdoc's job to help you, not judge you. Maybe having written down what you want to say to the pdoc might help?

[Snowie]

@Captain24 💌💌

[Captain24]

I am really struggling tonight. Really badly. I’ve been struggling all day. I’ve done some really stupid dangerous things. 

I still feel the shame from yesterday. It’s been on my mind. 

My back pain has been intense and is really getting me down.

Sitting around at work on my own is really getting to me too. 

TW: Near misses

Content/trigger warning

All this going through my head in the way to work and I pulled out in front of a car. They were in my blind spot but I just sped around the corner. Lucky the car saw me. 

I was driving the truck today for the half hour I’m allowed and I went to fly through an intersection and didn’t see the water cart. I slammed my foot on the brake and just missed it. I don’t think he even saw me. 

Im dangerous and I’m reckless. This mess in my head is doing a lot of damage

[tyme]

Hey @Captain24 ,

Sounds like a lot is going through your mind at the moment.

Do you think it's wise to continue working at this time? I feel like if you know it's been unsafe, you continue, and IF something happens, you not be able to live if yourself? (I mean if someone else gets hurt)?

I recognise you are trying to hold until your admission.

Can we brainstorm some safe ways to help you get through the next few days???

[Captain24]

Hey @tyme 

Its starting to get too hard. 

I have 2 more days of work to go. I’m hoping that I see the guy dealing with my injury tomorrow. I can say I’m too sore to get into a truck. If I don’t see him I have to do it. 

Somehow I need to not get distracted. I was distracted on my way home but it was a safer drive. 

Yes please.. I need help to make it until

monday.